Ever since Ben Bernanke was appointed Federal Reserve Board Chairman, you would think that ex-Chairman Alan Greenspan would be too busy practicing his saxophone or having sex with his young wife to warn America about the failures of his successor, but you would be wrong. New Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been playing […]

A new x-ray machine has debuted in Phoenix’s airport, and it’s for your package, not for your luggage. Anyone who sets off a metal detector will have a choice between getting a pat-down, or getting into an x-ray machine that will allow the screener to see you completely naked.
There’s so much wrong with […]

Shit’s been going down in Italy, where that pansy-ass Prime Minister Romano Prodi couldn’t take the bipartisanship and resigned. Ever since his narrow win against the always jolly, always ridiculous Silvio Berlusconi. Some people in the government want Prodi to revoke his resignation, but the president might call for new elections, and I think we […]

The president of Gambia claims he’s invented a cure for AIDS, which involves a topical herbal paste, a bitter drink, and a banana. President Yahya Jammeh has told reporters he’s certain that he’s found a cure for AIDS. The World Health Organization issued a statement in response to Jammeh’s claims:
“As the World Health […]

he widow of a longtime smoker won $79.5 million in punitive damages from Philip Morris, but the Supreme Court threw out the case.
“Williams, according to his widow, never gave any credence to the surgeon general’s health warnings about smoking cigarettes because tobacco companies insisted they were safe. Only after falling sick did Williams […]

John McCain, the straight-talkin’ Arizona senator who ran for president in 2000 on a platform of morality, realized his old strategy wasn’t working and now wants everyone to know that he’s a Republican politician. He used to be pro-choice, on the basis that overturning Roe v. Wade would result in thousands of unsafe, illegal […]

After spending 21 years in an Atlanta jail, Willie Williams was freed when DNA evidence proved that he did not commit the rape he was accused of. Willie was stopped for a traffic violation at the age of 21, when he was held as a suspected serial rapist. Despite his alibi and the […]

While everyone else was thinking about the war in Iraq and the economy and stuff, Congress sneaked behind our backs and decided to make daylight savings start four weeks earlier from now on. That’s right, we’re gonna spring forward in March instead of April.
What does this mean? Well, it means that […]

A few weeks ago, the FDA decided that meat from cloned animals will be as safe for people to eat as meat from uncloned animals, and that clonemeat won’t need a special label. They wanted this to apply to organic food as well, but the hippies have protested for the health of America. […]

Cartoon Network launched an innovative marketing campaign for the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force in nine cities, with a blinking electronic character giving the finger to passersby. Cute? Yes! Slightly offensive? Maybe. Retro? Yes! Terrorism? No, dumbass.
The campaign was launched three weeks and received no complaints in eight […]