Ever since Ben Bernanke was appointed Federal Reserve Board Chairman, you would think that ex-Chairman Alan Greenspan would be too busy practicing his saxophone or having sex with his young wife to warn America about the failures of his successor, but you would be wrong. New Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been playing […]

A new x-ray machine has debuted in Phoenix’s airport, and it’s for your package, not for your luggage. Anyone who sets off a metal detector will have a choice between getting a pat-down, or getting into an x-ray machine that will allow the screener to see you completely naked.
There’s so much wrong with […]

John McCain, the straight-talkin’ Arizona senator who ran for president in 2000 on a platform of morality, realized his old strategy wasn’t working and now wants everyone to know that he’s a Republican politician. He used to be pro-choice, on the basis that overturning Roe v. Wade would result in thousands of unsafe, illegal […]

Not to be one-upped, a Texas car salesman became the ultimate “bad cop” of making deals when he attacked a customer with a machete. 73-year-old Robert “Jack” Parker was sentence to jail for 10 years for the attack. The customer had bought a car and was arguing with Parker over license plates when the […]

While you were worrying about terrorism and bird flu, a salmonella outbreak hit the U.S. More than 300 people have gotten sick from contaminated Peter Pan peanut butter. It’s described as “the first U.S. salmonella outbreak linked to peanut butter,” and also affects Wal-Mart’s Great Value peanut butter, which is produced by the […]

The Centers for Disease Control had a Fluzilla drill this week, to see how they’d be able to react if the H5N1 bird flu hit the U.S. They did well by their standards, though the underlying theme is that there will basically be complete chaos if Fluzilla hits.
The CDC has also issued a handy […]

In 2005, Team Smackage asked some tough questions: Why would someone steal bull semen, and why would someone else value it so highly as to offer a hefty reward for its safe return? Today we have answers.
An upscale salon in London is offering a 45-minute hair treatment which involves slathering clients’ hair and scalp […]

Miller Lite is putting its “Man Laws” series of commercials on hold because, somehow, mysteriously, Burt Reynolds just didn’t boost sales. They believe the problem is intensified competition within the light beer segment.
Hey Miller, I’m gonna take a wild guess here and say that the problem is that you were about 20 years late […]

In a Consumer Reports taste test of coffees, McDonald’s Premium Roast beat out Starbucks, Burger King, and Dunkin’ Donuts, but especially Starbucks. McDonald’s was described as “decent and moderately strong. Although it lacked the subtle top notes needed to make it rise and shine, it had no flaws,” while Starbucks was called, “strong, but […]

Tired of beauty pageants filled with stupid, bed-hopping, coke-snorting attention-whores, Russia’s state nuclear company is looking for its fourth annual Miss Atom. Miss Atom is a beauty pageant made up of women working in nuclear energy in the former Soviet Union. The winner will be determined by internet voting.
Mad props to Russia for […]