Ever since Ben Bernanke was appointed Federal Reserve Board Chairman, you would think that ex-Chairman Alan Greenspan would be too busy practicing his saxophone or having sex with his young wife to warn America about the failures of his successor, but you would be wrong. New Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been playing it safe with Congress, saying that America’s economic growth was just fine, and that no changes were needed. He hasn’t really done anything since he became the Fed chairman, and that’s not great for America.

Yesterday, Alan Greenspan called Bernanke out in the media and showed the youngun’ that the world doesn’t even care that he’s the new chairman. Greenspan commented that the period of growth was coming to an end and that cyclical recession is near. Less than 24 hours later, the Dow Jones fell 400 points. Suck it, Bernanke!

Be back in a week or two. In the meantime, discuss how ugly Jessica Biel’s Oscar dress was, how much Pink looks like a man, and how many times Britney will leave and re-enter rehab. In case you haven’t heard about this yet, James Blunt ran over the foot of an old guy who wanted his autograph, and he just kept driving. You can also discuss how Helen Mirren is disturbingly hot for an old lady and how bad the skinny tie trend is.

And I think it’s pretty safe to say that Anna Nicole won’t be buried before we get back.

Love,

Team Smackage

A new x-ray machine has debuted in Phoenix’s airport, and it’s for your package, not for your luggage. Anyone who sets off a metal detector will have a choice between getting a pat-down, or getting into an x-ray machine that will allow the screener to see you completely naked.

There’s so much wrong with this, I don’t even know where to start. I’m sure the drink sales at airports have gone way up since they started the minimal liquid rules, and now they want to see you naked before you can board the plane. Eventually, you’re just gonna have to show up to the airport completely naked with no luggage, and they’ll start selling clothes on the plane at ridiculous prices. It’s also pretty clear that anyone who applies for an airport security job from now on is going to be a pervert who wants to see you naked, and I really don’t think these are the kinds of people who can be trusted with homeland security.

Shit’s been going down in Italy, where that pansy-ass Prime Minister Romano Prodi couldn’t take the bipartisanship and resigned. Ever since his narrow win against the always jolly, always ridiculous Silvio Berlusconi. Some people in the government want Prodi to revoke his resignation, but the president might call for new elections, and I think we all know what that means: BERLUSCONI 2007!

That’s right, Berlusconi could be back in power within a few months, influencing policy, having more plastic surgery, and making lewd jokes about your mom. It’s just what this world needs. In this depressing time of war, global warming, and terrorism, nothing can break the tension like a prime minister with a good “that’s what she said” joke.

For the second time in the past few weeks, Britney Spears checked into rehab and checked out in less than 24 hours. Rumor has it that she shaved her head so that nobody would be able to do drug tests on it. There hasn’t been any news on her kids, so hopefully they’re with K-Fed or social services.

I’m gonna put Britney on a shortlist of celebrities who need to leave America and never be seen in public again. They like the attention, and we need to stop giving it to them. Michael Jackson did a pretty good job staying out of the public eye for a few years, and now that he’s back in the U.S., there’s probably some extra space in his mansion in Bahrain. I think Britney should go move to Bahrain, and she should take O.J. Simpson, Donald Trump and the uglier Olsen twin with her.

Heather Mills, the possible former prostitute and definite one-legged former wife of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney is joining this season’s Dancing with the Stars. I feel sorry for her celebrity partner, because she sounds like kind of a bitch, and it would suck to have to teach ballroom dancing to someone with only one leg. It would be one thing if it were someone well-liked and one-legged, because they’d win by default, but when you throw a crazy, one-legged bitch into the picture, everybody loses.

This is shaping up to be the most interesting season of Dancing with the Stars, because I’ve actually heard of most of these washed-up celebrities. To round out the cast, the two-legged contestants this season will be Joey Fatone (NSync*), Laila Ali (boxer, and daughter of Muhammad Ali), Clyde Drexler (basketball player), Vincent Pastore (actor on The Sopranos), Leeza Gibbons (Entertainment Tonight), Ian Ziering (90210), Paulina Porizkova (model), Shandi Finnessey (Miss USA), Apolo Ohno (Olympic speed skater) and last, but not least, the hair, the voice, the dance, the legend….

BILLY RAY CYRUS, who will put everyone else to shame. He has this thing in the bag!

*Note: I’ve left the word “former” out of all these occupations because it’s implied.

If math were an animal, it would not be the mouse that’s more afraid of you than you are of it. No, math would be the mighty bear, who smells your pathetic fear and eats you alive, because it knows your weakness and will not hesitate to exploit it. That’s right; researchers found out that math anxiety contributes to lower test scores.

The scientific reason for this phenomenon is that worrying uses up part of a person’s working memory, leaving less room for complicated calculations during important tests. How do we solve this problem? Well, you could try some yoga or breathing exercises before taking that entrance exam, if you’re lame. Personally, I prefer to use bear safety tips to protect myself against math attacks: Carry pepper spray, travel only during the day, and always stay away from its young.

The president of Gambia claims he’s invented a cure for AIDS, which involves a topical herbal paste, a bitter drink, and a banana. President Yahya Jammeh has told reporters he’s certain that he’s found a cure for AIDS. The World Health Organization issued a statement in response to Jammeh’s claims:

“As the World Health Organization, we would like to state quite clearly the following — No. 1: so far there is no cure for AIDS.”

Usually when politicians are delusional, the worst that happens is that they think they’re funny and end up offending thousands, or even millions, of people. John Kerry said people who don’t go to college end up in Iraq. Hillary said that Ghandi worked in a convenience store. Senator George Allen got really creative and called a random Indian guy “macaca” for laughs. My point is that if you were really as funny as you think you are, you’d be a stand-up comedian, not a politician. Likewise, to the President of Gambia, if you were as smart as you think you are, you’d be a scientist, not a politician. With your ridiculous fake cure for AIDS, some people might not get actual treatment, and that’s arguably worse than telling a bad joke. Politicians, please just stick with the mudslinging, and don’t try to multi-task.

New footage has surfaced, which shows Anna Nicole Smith really, really high while pregnant. Her bad-acting, fake-grieving, gold-digging boyfriend/lawyer was the one filming.

Yes, this is terrible and everyone involved seems like a horrible person. However, we should note that Anna Nicole high is not that much different from Britney Spears sober.

We live in a sick, sad world.

he widow of a longtime smoker won $79.5 million in punitive damages from Philip Morris, but the Supreme Court threw out the case.

“Williams, according to his widow, never gave any credence to the surgeon general’s health warnings about smoking cigarettes because tobacco companies insisted they were safe. Only after falling sick did Williams tell his wife: ‘Those darn cigarette people finally did it. They were lying all the time.’”

Hey, widow, I have news for you. Cigarette companies didn’t kill your husband. Your husband’s stupidity killed your husband. I can’t think of any other product that has zero benefits, kills its customers, is so bad that we have to run announcements reminding people not to use it, but we still let people buy it. The government says it’s OK to sell them, but then they allow these ridiculous lawsuits because the customers are too stupid to read labels or watch public service announcements.

More and more cities are banning public smoking, but I think we just need to make it illegal to buy cigarettes, because people who smoke are too stupid to figure things out themselves. We ban other stuff because of stupid people. Common sense tells us not to drink and drive, but we had to make it a law. Common sense tells us not to kill people, but we have laws in case you’re a dumbass and want to kill people. Let’s just ban smoking once and for all, and save the lives of millions of idiots.